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I just wrote this for a writing prompt on wdc, anyone who want to give comments, or review would be welcome. Lilly’s Angel When Lilly was four years old she learned to ride a horse.  She loved every…

I just wrote this for a writing prompt on wdc, anyone who want to give comments, or review would be welcome.

Lilly’s Angel

When Lilly was four years old she learned to ride a horse.  She loved every minute that she was able to sit high in the saddle and feel the wind in her hair.  She loved the smell of a horse and spent every minute she could in the barnyard with the horses.

When she was six she got her first Pony.  He was a small little pony that was just her size.  He was the color of Peanut Butter which inspired his name.  PJ was short for Peanut Butter and Jelly.  She rode him down the road.  Lilly’s favorite thing to do was to run little PJ around the barrels and the poles at the Local gaming event called a gymkhana.

When Lilly was seven she was in a terrible accident.  She had to go to the hospital for several months and her whole life was changed.  Lilly’s legs didn’t work, she could not walk.  When Lilly heard the news she cried; her biggest fear was never being able to ride her pony again.

When Lilly got home she wished she could ride her horse.  When she was better she tried to ride PJ but he was too bouncy when he walked and she sipped to the side.  Her mom got her into hippo therapy, which is physical therapy on a horse.  She watched her sisters and her brother ride.  She helped hand out ribbons and keep scores at the horse shows.  She was happy to be a part of it.  Lilly got to ride the therapy horse, but Lilly really wanted to ride a horse at the horse shows.  

One day Lilly came home and there was a new pony in the round pen!  She wanted the pony to be her pony.  Her mom told her that the pony in the round pen was named Zip and was going to be her grandpa’s cart pony it was not for her.  But Lilly visited him all the time anyway.

Lilly’s mom was riding Zip one day with Lilly’s little sister, Isabel, in the saddle with her.  Zip was a green horse, which means that he was new to being ridden.  When the saddle broke and they fell off mom was afraid Isabel would be hurt by Zip.  She was afraid if he got scared he would kick her on accident or worse.  But Zip just stood over them until mom got up and put the saddle back on.

Lilly asked all the time when she would get to ride Zip.  After Zip was so brave on when mom fell off, she decided that it might be ok for Lilly to ride Zip someday.  She started thinking about it, but she did not tell Lilly.  She tested Zip and watched him close.  She wanted to make sure Lilly would be safe.

Finally Lilly was able to sit on Zip.  Mom let her ride in the round pen where she would be safe.  Mom helped Lilly to ride down the road with her sisters, brother, and friends. Lilly was able to ride Zip in the round pen with mom watching.  She rode down the road with mom walking beside her.  Mom decided that Zip would be Lilly’s horse someday.

Zip went to the trainer.  The trainer was going to teach Zip how to be Lilly’s horse but there was an accident and Zip went to heaven.  Lilly’s grandpa was in heaven now too.  Lilly’s mom said that Zip had gone to heaven to be Grandpa’s cart pony like he was meant to be.  Everyone was very sad.

Lilly had grown up waiting for Zip to be her horse.  When she was thirteen, Lilly got the horse that would be her forever horse.  This horse was a bay paint like Zip only bigger.  Her name was Angel and she was perfect for Lilly.  The trainer taught the new horse how to be Lilly’s horse.   She was a gentle, patient horse that Lilly grew to love.

Lilly will always love Zip.  She will miss his curly mane and feathery fetlocks.  She will miss his beautiful blue eyes and soft muzzle.  Zip will always be Lilly’s true angel; he gave her the courage to do what no one thought she could.  He gave her the wings she lacked and offered her a freedom one only knows on a horse.  Her new horse Angel is here to pick up where Zip left off.  Lilly will ride into tomorrow with no fear in her heart.

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Comment by st on January 11, 2014 at 3:34pm

Kathy, here is my take on this short piece. I copied and pasted into a word doc, then I highlighted my comments in blue, however, when pasting it to this comment box, the formatting did not come thru. My comments are underlined with suggested correction in ( ).  Let me know what you think. 

Sully

When Lilly was four years old she learned to ride a horse.  She loved every minute that she was able to sit high in the saddle and feel the wind in her hair.  She loved the smell of a horse and spent every minute (this sounds redundant and awkward to the reader) she could in the barnyard with the horses.

When she was six she got her first Pony.  He was a small little pony that was just her size.  He was the color of Peanut Butter which inspired his name.  PJ was short for Peanut Butter and Jelly.  She rode him down the road. (this sentence sounds out of place or not finished) Lilly’s favorite thing to do was to run little PJ around the barrels and the poles at the Local gaming event called a gymkhana.

When Lilly was seven she was in a terrible accident.  She had to go to the hospital for several months and her whole life was changed.  Lilly’s legs didn’t work, she could not walk.  When Lilly heard the news she cried; her biggest fear was never being able to ride her pony again.

When Lilly got home she wished she could ride her horse.  When she was better she tried to ride PJ but he was too bouncy when he walked and she sipped to the side.  Her mom got her into hippo therapy, which is physical therapy on a horse.  She watched her sisters and her brother ride.  She helped hand out ribbons and keep scores at the horse shows. (I think there should be a comma after ‘ribbons’ or ‘keep’ should be past tenses [kept] to keep the sentence readable.) She was happy to be a part of it.  Lilly got to ride the therapy horse, but Lilly really wanted to ride a horse at the horse shows.  

One day Lilly came home and there was a new pony in the round pen!  She wanted the pony to be her pony.  Her mom told her that the pony in the round pen was named Zip and was going to be her grandpa’s cart pony it was not for her. (the latter half of this sentence refers to two different subjects. Add ‘and’, a comma, semicolon, or dash between ‘pony’ & ‘it’ to make it flow) But Lilly visited him all the time anyway.

Lilly’s mom was riding Zip one day with Lilly’s little sister, Isabel, in the saddle with her.  Zip was a green horse, which means that he was new to being ridden.  When the saddle broke and they fell off mom was afraid Isabel would be hurt by Zip.  She was afraid if he got scared he would kick her on accident or worse.  But Zip just stood over them until mom got up and put the saddle back on.

Lilly asked all the time when she would get to ride Zip.  After Zip was so brave on when mom fell off, she decided that it might be ok for Lilly to ride Zip someday.  She started thinking about it, but she did not tell Lilly.  She tested Zip and watched him close.  She wanted to make sure Lilly would be safe.

Finally Lilly was able to sit on Zip.  Mom let her ride in the round pen where she would be safe.  Mom helped Lilly to ride down the road with her sisters, brother, and friends. (this sounds as if Lilly, her sisters, brother, and friends are all riding Zip down the road, but is unclear is this is so, or if the others are walking along beside) Lilly was able to ride Zip in the round pen with mom watching.  She rode down the road with mom walking beside her.  Mom decided that Zip would be Lilly’s horse someday.

Zip went to the trainer.  The trainer was going to teach Zip how to be Lilly’s horse but there was an accident and Zip went to heaven.  Lilly’s grandpa was in heaven now too.  Lilly’s mom said that Zip had gone to heaven to be Grandpa’s cart pony like he was meant to be.  Everyone was very sad.

Lilly had grown up waiting for Zip to be her horse.  When she was thirteen, Lilly got the horse that would be her forever horse.  This horse was a bay paint like Zip only bigger.  Her name was Angel and she was perfect for Lilly.  The trainer taught the new horse how to be Lilly’s horse.   She was a gentle, patient horse that Lilly grew to love.

Lilly will always love Zip.  She will miss his curly mane and feathery fetlocks. (this is a nice visual description) She will miss his beautiful blue eyes and soft muzzle.  Zip will always be Lilly’s true angel; he gave her the courage to do what no one thought she could.  He gave her the wings she lacked and offered her a freedom one only knows on a horse.  Her new horse Angel is here to pick up where Zip left off.  Lilly will ride into tomorrow with no fear in her heart.

Comment by kathy wright on January 11, 2014 at 6:21pm

I appreciate your comments.  They are similar to those given by collegues on WDC although you caught some things that need work on that they did not.  I have a hard time catching run on sentences in my own writing.  So this was exactly the kind of stuff I need.  I have edited this but will work on it some more.  I plan to illustrate it as well.  When I complete the edits I will repost.  Thank You.

Comment by st on January 11, 2014 at 6:27pm

Sweet, glad I could help. :)

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